Every veghead, upon revealing her dietary preferences, has heard the question: "But wait, if you don't eat meat, where do you get your protein?" There are a million ways to respond to this question (and I'll name a few later), but right now I want to focus on the phenomenon of the question itself. If you subscribe to the traditional Western diet, you will never get asked this question. No adult person gives a flying f*ck about another adult person's protein intake, unless she doesn't eat meat.
Thanks for suddenly caring about my health, random person I just met an hour ago at this stupid dinner party (which, btw, I didn't even really want to go to because of my food anxiety that is fueled by people like you asking me questions like this). I didn't ask you where your get your fiber, your potassium, your antioxidants, and your vitamins A through Z, but I'm ever so grateful you put together an entire search party to find my "missing" protein.
While I'd love to reply to the protein question with such clever retorts as "From your butthole," I, unlike that plebeian, understand common decency. I've never asked anyone about their protein (or everything else) intake because I have class. However, when a new person learns I have a dietary restriction, all other topics of conversation cease to exist.
The main reason I don't want to talk about my protein intake isn't because it's intrusive but because, frankly, it's boring. There's nothing less interesting to talk about with a vegan than what she ate that day... probably because there's nothing less interesting to talk about with anyone than what they ate that day. It just doesn't make for good conversation. Ask me about my job, my family, my completely rational fear of birds— just don't ask me about my protein intake. I don't care about your diet, and I would sincerely appreciate it if you showed that same kind of apathy toward mine.
However, until the world is on the same high caliber of human decency as I am, I've come up with some "solutions."
8 Ways to Respond to "Where do you get your protein?"1. Your mom's chest hair.
2. The Chamber of Secrets. (Then you just start making sss sounds while backing away slowly.)
3. He went to Jared! (Then stick your hand out expectantly. This works especially well if you're single AF.)
4. Etsy. It's handmade and vintage. Where'd you get yours? Sears? (Condescending tone is required for latter half of statement.)
5. So, my best friend's uncle's hair dresser's cousin's wife's half-sister... (The goal is to make them leave before you get to a verb.)
6. The Protein Fairy comes and sprinkles some on me every night, and then I absorb it through my skin. Sometimes she misses and gets some on my pillow, but you get what you pay for.
7. What's that behind your ear? (Then you do the "coin behind the ear" magic trick but with a cube of tempeh or something. Get creative.)
And my personal favorite, #8...That's one secret I'll never tell. You know you love me. Xoxo, Gossip Vegan
Lindsay's "Where Do You Get Your Everything Else?" Slowcooker Casserole
- 1 yellow onion- 2 grams of protein
- 10 oz of white mushrooms, already sliced or sliced by yourself- 10 grams of protein
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 tbsp olive oil
- 2 sweet potatoes, cut into 1" chunks- 4 grams of protein
- 2/3 cup peas- 4.67 grams of protein
- 2 stalks purple kale, or other greens (If your greens are bagged, you can guesstimate about 2 cups)- 4 grams of protein
- 1 16 oz can of chickpeas, rinsed and drained- 16 grams of protein
- 1 1/2 cups quinoa, rinsed and drained- 36 grams of protein
- 1/2 cup lentils- 25 grams of protein
- 1 tbsp Better than Bullion No Chicken or Vegetable Base
- 4 cups original unsweetened almond or other non-dairy milk- 4 grams of protein
- 1 1/2 teaspoon oregano
- 1 1/2 teaspoon thyme
- 1 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 teaspoon pepper
Peel and dice the onion. If you're smart, you'll do this in a food processor. If you like crying, you'll do it by hand.
Pour the olive oil into a large pan and then turn the heat to medium-high. Pour in the onions and saute them for 5 minutes. Move them around with a spatula every few minutes so they don't stick to the pan.
While the onions are sauteing, wash and slice the mushrooms (unless they've already been sliced).
Mince the garlic, either also in the food processor or by hand. Then, add the mushrooms and garlic to the pan and saute everything together for about 8 minutes until the mushrooms are cooked down.
If you're making this for dinner in the afternoon or early evening, put your crockpot on high for about 2 hours. If you're making this in the morning, put your crockpot on low, go out and make dat cash money, and come home 7 or more hours later to a delicious and fortifying meal.
|I know it looks ratchet, but the health benefits and taste far outweigh aesthetic appeal in my (cook)book. |
Sometimes, you gotta eat ugly to look pretty.